Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
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*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
#Thanos #MondayMood
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway