Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
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saving face 👀
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.