Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
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him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Smells like a challenge to me
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
One venti cheeseburger please.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?