my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
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me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.