Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
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Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.