Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
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I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
How wrong was this guy?
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.