Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
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My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
mumsnet is amazing
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.