If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
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If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Cinematography is my passion
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes