The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
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Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
taking June’s advice to heart
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.