Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
You Might Also Like
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.