*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
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I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
In banana years, I am bread.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree