My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
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Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Dietest Coke
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children