So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
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My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
If only.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.