My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
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them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
you stereotypes are all alike
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.