Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
You Might Also Like
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing