Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
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My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.