Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
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If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*