I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
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oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag