I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
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Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Good morning
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
cat vs inanimate object
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.