I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
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People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor