[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
You Might Also Like
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again