This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
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I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Current mood: Potato
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
A duv-egg? In this economy?
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.