When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
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I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
😂🤣😂🤣
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!