“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
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[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit