I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
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Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Saw online –
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor