My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
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I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
happy friday
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*