“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
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The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty