I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
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anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
oh u like geography? name every lake
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.