Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
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[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants