[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
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If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe