Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
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Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?