Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
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‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Never forget.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.