“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
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The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…