We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
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He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.