If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
You Might Also Like
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Had an epiphany today.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
OMG 🤣🤣
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Blew my mind.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat