Seems legit
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[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons