Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
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DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands