A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
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For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Ghost costume 😂
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean