We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
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No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
I’m not proud
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.