The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
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[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Sing it!
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.