This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
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An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Need this in my life lol
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.