If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
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“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.