I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
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At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.