[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
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Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.