without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
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Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Why I divorced her.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…