You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
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So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Guilty! 🤪
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Have kids, they said
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu