video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
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[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate