It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
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I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
the composer
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.