I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
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Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Note to self: I am a note
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come