Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
You Might Also Like
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Don’t we all.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Give a baker flours on your first date.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded